Hey.

Hey. It's been a while. I tend to say that a lot, actually.

Anyways, this has been a long time coming. It's not something I've taken lightly, and I've been thinking and considering this for more than a year.

In fact, I was going to take this plan forward last christmas. However, I held myself together for just a little longer, hoping for something, holding myself into a false hope that something, or someone would prove me and my worries wrong.

However, everything that happened since just felt like everything and everyone just telling me "Quit while you're ahead."

And I spent the entirety of the year completely depressed, or in a very manic state, this month specially things have gotten specially bad, and I've reached my tipping point, once again.

To make a story short, in case you're not interested in anything but the nitty-gritty details

I'll take my things and leave for good. By the time this post is up, I'll have logged off for good, and I won't be checking emails, comments, messages, or anything of the sorts.

The only reason I haven't deleted Newgrounds is purely because of how long I took to achieve these levels, but even then, I don't doubt I'll reconsider it and just pull the trigger later in the future.

My gallery has been wiped out aswell, with pretty much everything privated aside from the projects I've worked with my friends.

And that one Dreamcast Custom Icon I made, because I think it's pretty cute, and hey, I'll take any chance to show my Dreamcast whenever I can.

My accounts have been archived and switched too, with a majority of them just gone at this point, and my website will be frozen aswell. I'll just leave it up with one last goodbye message for a little while, and then, that's gonna be it.

I don't want to be reached out. I don't want pity or sympathy. And I don't want any apologies either. Specially because those never seem to be genuine or mean anything either.

This isn't going to be a callout post either, you won't see any names being dropped here aswell.

This is just me letting things out of my chest one last time. My plan last year was to just leave quietly and ghost everyone, but I'll just give a "proper" sendoff and once again, greet you all with goodbye.

Also, leave my friends alone too. Don't bug them, or anyone about any of this. Please.

With that being said, there's so much to go through, but I'll try to get through just the important stuff mostly.

My whole head is very scattered, so my apologies if I jump back and forth.

A while ago, I really wanted to go back to making things again, which became the main reason why I wanted to remake my website. Not only to try and improve on the code that was a mess, and to improve it's design, since my web design and artistic skills have improved significantly since the creation of my website, but to also redo the website's aesthetics and main website art as a whole.

It's not like I didn't like the art used on it previously, but I created my website heavily based around someone that unfortunately, I talk no longer to.

I still like everything they did, but looking at my own website now used to tear me apart every time. Like a depressing reminder of how bad things have gotten.

So I eventually started working on Neo-RootPain.com: Godspeed (Yes, it's a very long name, and a reference to an old Sonic fangame I love. I know.) which was supposed to not only revitalize my website, but my interest on it aswell.

But even at it's earlier stages, everything was starting to show problems.

The first problems started when I tried to implement animated backgrounds into it. For some reason, nothing seemed to work, and when it did, something else broke in it's place, so I had to go back and fix that, only for something else to be broken once again.

The second problem started when it came to actually implementing and working on the other pages. Despite me having the idea in my head for a long while I could never find myself with an aesthetic or a model that pleased me. My friend's art (and by extension, him) meant everything to me, and the reason why I made RootPain.com in the first place. So when I took him out, everything felt hollow and empty, like all of the fun, the colors, and the characters that brought life to the website were just gone. And I felt the loss every time. And the more I worked on it, the more depressing it got, and at one point

I just left the website frozen, and the old RootPain.com abandoned. And even though I never stopped thinking about my website, I never really felt like I could back to it, no matter how hard I tried. So once again, I got incredibly depressed, specially because around that time, I went through two awful breakups, and a majority of my friends were either busy, going through problems of their own, or just were distant. It doesn't help that someone I used to consider a good friend just turned out to be a genuinely awful guy, with them defending someone that victimized a lot of people, despite the fact

he was seemingly supportive to one of the victims before everything came to public. I cut ties with them pretty quickly, and I shouldn't feel too bad about it but I wish things didn't turn out the way they did, and it was still a heavy hit for me to see someone I used a good friend to turn out like that, specially with all of the hits I was taking back to back around that time.

I always valued my friendships and my connections above everything else

So when I saw friends that I knew for years, people that used to tell me they loved me on a daily basis, leaving without a second thought and other friends seemingly switching up overnight, how was I supposed to not feel paranoid and heartbroken?

So with everything going down, it just made me completely demotivated to do anything, and my routine was just "Wake up, go to work, sleep" to the point I wasn't even interested in doing anything else any longer. I would always try to come back and do something again, but I would just sit in front of my screen for half an hour, with my mind being completely blank, with no idea what to do, before I just gave up, and went back to sleep once more.

It was a cycle that I could never break from, both because my job required all of my energy and attention, and because the main drive, being my friends, being gone, completely killed any sort of drive I had towards art.

I eventually was able to draw things again after meeting someone and eventually making them fanart because of how much I enjoyed what they created, and that was enough inspiration for me to finally finish Neo-RootPain.com: Godspeed. And at first, I was actually pretty excited to not only finish, but work on it again. But once I started working on it, something just felt very off, just like with everything else. I first dismissed it as fatigue since I spent a good few months purely working on it, but then I slowly come to realize that it just didn't feel fun to work on it any longer.

And when I stop to think why, I quickly realized the main issue; my friends. Or the lack of them.

When I first made JuneSSai.net and RootPain.com, it was around a time where not only my friends were working on their own websites, but we were also actively keeping up and collaborating with each other. I used to love leaving funny messages in my code for my friends to read them, we used to feature each other's websites and art on our websites, we used to steal ideas from each other, and we even used to leave guestbook messages on each other websites aswell. It was the biggest reason why I started to work on my website. Even if I didn't had a big audience, the interactions we had with each other, and how we used to bounce back with each other, and to work on my website and my other works alongside friends, either by sitting on a call with each other, or just sending messages back and forth in our chat, to see what sticked, what didn't, or just shoot the shit while we work on our things, felt very magical, and it was my biggest drive to do anything, really.

If you look into my works, you can see that my friends are proudly displayed in a majority of them. This isn't just me flexing and going "Look at how many cool artists I know!", I just genuinely love all of my friends, and I feel proud of being their friend, and when I tell you that I put friendships and relations above everything else, I mean it. These are all people that have constantly had my back, helped me grow up as a person by actually calling me out on a lot of things when I was younger, which helped me keep me grounded and not develop a huge ego or become too proud of myself, and in general, my drive in life, the reason why I am the way I am, and why I do the things I do. And although we still talk, and my friends still are quietly working on their projects on the background, we've all become substantially busier in recent years. We obviously grown out of our teenage and young adult years, and we got ourselves busy with uni, jobs, family, and some

of my friends even got married, so our attention shifted towards other more important things, and it didn't really leave a lot of free time for some of these more passion heavy projects, or even to hang out in general. And that really affected my moral in a lot of ways. Not only because I felt increasingly lonelier through the years, but I just couldn't find myself a proper reason to pursue these things any longer. I never cared about being popular, the idea of making money out of my works, although interesting, wasn't something I was particularly interested into either. So I was just left working on my things by myself, without any proper incentive, and during the later years, where I got specially busy with life and work, and specially after the breakup with my friend, I was left with no reason to go on.

This once again left me on that miserable cycle of trying, failing and feeling completely useless through the rest of the month. But I was determined to make this work. I even managed to substantially improve my art, find a way to actually stylize what I do I even went back and actually improved on some of my old designs, and even going as far as to make an entirely new character that I tend to draw a lot as of late. But eventually, I just slowed down, and everything once again, stopped altogether.

However, I had an idea this last Pixel Day, something that would probably help me find that drive, or at least some fashion of interest towards art, and maybe even connect with new people, and maybe even reconnect with old ones. I was going to make another one of those big collaborative pieces that featured a bunch of my friends together. Those were not only my favorite types of art to work on since it featured a bunch of different characters with widly different styles, which served as good practice trying to adapt them into my style, but I was always fond of making and looking back at them. Seeing all the different reactions to people getting their characters featured, seeing how many references and inside jokes I could cram into a single drawing, and all little details I could hide on it, excitedly waiting for others to find it out, the reaction from everyone outside of my circles, and in general, they were always some of my best works, and I was always

fond of looking back at them because of all of these factors. Seeing all my friends together in general, always brought me a lot of comfort and these always felt like a celebration of everything we've been through thus far, and why we've been together for as long as we did. So it just felt natural to try and do another one of those, specially at a time where I really needed to treasure the friends that I still had around. So I went in with a lot of excitement, asking friends around for characters, and I even went back to my older piece to try and replicate the way I did some of the characters in there, and to see what I got right, and what could be improved.

However, the longer I looked at it, the more I started to get sad, and my dread would only get worse the more I looked and thinked about it.

Looking through all those drawings, all of those people, and seeing how some of them distanced themselves from each other and one of them even going as far to erase themselves and their online presence entirely, made me feel dread like nothing else. And one of these in particular tears me apart the most. And I started to wonder; who's next? how long will it last? What'll happen for this to go bad, and how quickly until this all goes to shit?

I would just be spending time on a gift for people that would probably not talk to me in one or two years.

All of them moving on, while I was still feeling their loss every day.

As the days went by, I slowled progress down. And slowly, I quietly abandoned the idea, and deleted the entire file.

And then I started to look back at everything once again. And the more I gave a thought about it, I started to feel like I wasn't ever truly liked or respected to begin with. It felt like I wasn't seen and treated like a real, complete person. It was almost like everyone got attached to their own ideas they had of me, or something they wanted in specific out of me.

I've friends where they constantly asked me to help them out, to make company, to be around

"Say something to make me feel better", "I just need to hear this right now", "I just want you to comfort me." and at times, it just got extremely exhausting. Not only because I was already going through problems of my own, but nothing I said or did seemed to help at all. In fact, at times it felt like they were constantly pushing me and any helping hand I'd try to give around. There were points where I even got people angry and lashing at me, and it made me feel absolutely awful, and outright useless. And eventually, I would start to get tired, and nothing would work anymore, and once again, everything would start bleeding once again.

And I had a lot these same people upset over the fact I didn't jump back into being happy-go-lucky, and just kept being depressed instead. I was presented with half-assed attempts at help, a lot of people quietly distancing themselves, some outright saying that they didn't care and some even getting upset at me.

"I don't know what to do with you anymore."

"It sounds like everything you told me about trying your best was just a lie."

It's almost like I wasn't allowed to be at anything besides my absolute best, and even then, my best never felt like enough.

I could never have a hand extended to me, and I could never rely or reach to anyone, and I just resorted to being upset by myself, hoping that if I just waited long enough, everything would just go away, but it never did. In fact, the more I thought about it, the angrier I just got with everyone around me, even others that had nothing to do with any of this.

I was rarely, if ever, presented with the same grace, and would usually see others trying to ignore it, distancing themselves quietly or even going as far to twist and disregard my feelings, to the point that when one of my friends just told me

"It's ok man. It's ok to be upset and get angry every so often. Just feel what you need to feel.", it felt so cathartic, that I almost felt like some sort of joke was about to be played on me. To not be reprimanded, denied, or shut down, specially around a time where everyone seemingly gave up on me, felt very liberating.

In general, this seems to be a constant with me.

Where everyone loves and feels comfortable around me, but the moment I ask for something, or I even set boundaries up, nobody is willing to respect that, and I'm always in the wrong for asking it in the first place.

Nobody owes me anything, is what I usually say, and to be fair, it's true.

Just because we're friends, or because I do something for you, it doesn't mean you're in debt to me, specially when I did things out of my own volition. But when you start to promise things, when you call me your best friend, tell me you love me, and you start to promise a thousand things, I think it's more than just for me to get upset when you start ignoring and outright disrespecting my feelings and my boundaries.

How can you be my friend if you won't give me space when I'm asking for it?

How can I be your friend when you won't ever accept blame, a differing opinion, or even the slight criticism?

How can you tell me you love me when you have no problem befriending someone that tried to take advantage and use me?

To be fair, a lot of it is my fault. Not only I could have handled things far better back in the day (I was very young and immature), I also tend to be too relaxed, and I tend to talk to walk on eggshells far too often

If I were to shut down this impression early on, and be far more honest from the very beginning, I think I would've probably

shut down this impression others have of me. If from the very beginning, I were to say what needs to be said, instead of

what others want to hear, if I were to establish firm boundaries from the very beginning, things would've been different.

Maybe things wouldn't have gone as far as they do, so I wouldn't get the chance to get too attached, and I wouldn't have

to still be missing everyone years after they're gone, and I still wouldn't be waiting for them until this very day.

I still don't think I'm wrong for asking for these things, specially after being promised so much

And in a lot of ways, I am probably better off without having to constantly be worrying about everything I do

and say as to not upset them over how fragile a lot of these relations felt.

However, I'm not happy with any of this. I didn't want them gone, or for me to be gone. I would've rather worked

things out. But I cannot spend my whole life making excuses and compromises just because I'm scared of losing someone.

At some point, I was getting physically ill over me trying to hold onto a friendship, to the point I was becoming

unable to get out of my bed. I always had a hard time crying, but around that time, I would cry all the time, with me at points

having to lock myself somewhere where nobody could see me crying, because the thought of losing that one person hurt and scared me more than anything. And not to get into many details, but we did make through all of that, they did apologize to me but it never felt like they ever learned anything, with them at one point even telling me that I "almost ruined our friendship over that whole ordeal", so all of those apologies felt hollow, and it felt like the entire blame was being shifted onto me. Like they just gave me the biggest grace, and I was supposed to be grateful, instead of being upset all of that happened in the first place.

the last time we talked, I spent a week without talking to them. I was busy with my own relationship around that time

we had a really stupid discussion once again, over people we barely even knew, and I decided to take a little break

instead of lashing out or getting angry at them. When I came back, I just said

"Hey, let's not end our friendship over something so stupid. It's not worth it."

But no. "You ruined this whole thing." "If you were going to get upset at me, you sound like you have problems."

To say that it was a slap in the face, was an understatement. I didn't had any fight left in me to argue about it.

So if they wanted to go, I wasn't going to try and hold them back any longer.

But what upsets me the most, is how they were seemingly upset over me respecting their wishes.

Claiming that they didn't want to leave, but I was seemingly "ok with letting them go that easily."

But what I was supposed to do? Specially after everything I've already tried and did?

Was I supposed to beg for them to stay? To take blame for everything? To humiliate myself more than I already did?

I didn't know what to say besides "I'm just respecting your wishes." and letting them go.

And even though I couldn't bring myself to cry, this was genuinely one of the saddest days of my life.

I waited for them since then, hoping they would show up again, maybe an actual apology, some actual changes

maybe we could still work things out.

But nothing. I waited until recently, but my faith, once again, was misplaced.

They probably didn't had any issues moving on and forgetting me, but there wasn't a single day where I haven't thought about them.

Lately, I even had nightmares, where I would wake up to messages on my NG account, and all of our messages were just things amongst the lines of "I don't know what to think of you anymore.", "I don't know what to do."

I've been scared, and waking up in a panic, feeling like this is some sort of foreshadowing, and not knowing what to think or do about it. It's like everything is telling me to run away, and "quit while I'm ahead.".

And at this point, it's impossible to just forget and move on.

When we first met, I remember being a complete piece of shit, an actually despicable person, and to be fair, I was.

But meeting them, gave me a bit of hope about the future and myself. It made me want to try and improve and change, not only for my own sake, but to make sure I was the best friend I could possibly be for them. I stopped complaining as much, I tried to be more positive towards others, I was more receptive to criticism, and I changed the way I criticized others, and in a lot of ways, the only reason why I got as far as I did (aside from my own experiences and some other friends) was because of this one person. So to see them gone, even with how far I've gotten, feels like a hollow victory.

I know that I improved a ton, I know that I definitely changed, I know that I have a lot of good friends, and a lot of people that genuinely like me, but there's not a single moment where I feel like I'm not replacable, or that I'm not worthless in everyone's life, and all I need is to slip up once, or make any sort of demand for everyone to jump boat.

I don't want any apologies, or any "closure", because I know this wouldn't make me any happier, or even help me get there

I wish we could've just worked things out, but this is far from the realm of possibility now.

And even then, even if we were to be reunited again, how much would have things changed?

Would we still be able to be friends after all that?

Would we still be able to reconnect the same way we did before?

Would we even have anything in common any longer?

Maybe it would just make things worse, and it's better to think that maybe it could work, instead of just accepting the reality that it never will.

It sucks, because even my own works have changed over this one person. I changed and retouched some designs and personality since when we started working together. Planned entirely new characters and redesigns with their help, and even tweaked my own artstyle because of theirs, so even when I looked at my own works, I feel like they're permanently scarred, no matter how much I try to change them back again. Even my own fanart folder is 90% them.

I cannot bring myself to delete the things they made for me. I'm still very fond of them. It just hurts a lot to see them.

I don't hate them. I don't think they're bad, no matter what anyone says, myself included. But it still sucks to see them gone.

To say that I'm hurt and scared, specially with the constant nightmares I've been having, is an understatement.

It feels like everything's been telling me "quit while you're ahead." lately, and my biggest issue when it comes to anything

is that I never know when to stay down, and just give up. I always come back for more, to try again, because I think if I try

enough times, and I try hard enough, everything will just end up changing at some point or the other. It's like another phrase I love to quote a ton; "Nothing worthwhile is ever easy.". But this isn't easy, and it's not worthwhile either, and I'm not getting anywhere. So I'll finally learn something, and give up.

And if I can be completely honest, if I didn't had a family to look for, I wouldn't mind taking another chance at my life at this point.

I had a lot more to say, about how much I dislike the direction the art world is heading, how much I dislike art communities

And how I feel disconnected with my art and everything I make, but that would be very redundant, and at this point, I don't think I care any longer.

I'm about to turn 25 on July 3rd, and I don't want to spend my whole life fighting over meaningless things like that.

I never considered myself an artist, and I never liked the idea of having a big following, or being popular in general.

I'm at my happiest when it's just me and a few people. I like being able to manage my circles, and just doing my thing with me and a few friends.

However. I did manage a lot since then.

I managed to achieve a lot of childhood dreams, like getting a bunch of frontpages, working on animations, joining collabs, getting user of the day and even helping my friends and getting my name and voice featured on their games. Hell, I even got to meet a lot of my childhood inspirations, and I even got a few follows from them here and there, and I'll be forever grateful for all of these opportunities.

And I'll definitely be forever grateful for everyone that helped make all of this come true.

From the friends that are still around, the ones who aren't, and even some of the people that left some nice comments, and sticked around for as long as they did, even when I had nothing to offer. So thanks a ton.

I don't want to end this on a positive or hopeful note.

I'm not happy, and I don't think I'll be happy after I leave either. But I've been planning to leave for years now, and with everything going against me, there's no better time to do it other than now. Besides. I've got nothing left to lose.

My plans were to left quietly and ghost everyone, but I believe some of you are at least owed a goodbye.

I was also going to make a small comic to kill Big Whiskey for good, even giving him a proper funeral and all.

I even ended up writing an entire script for it, but I decided against the idea at the very last minute.

I'll just let the guy rest quietly for now. Let's pretend I gave him a happy ending. It's better this way. He deserves it.

And some of you still know how to reach me out on my new account anyways, so who gives a shit?

I would've just deleted this account like I did with all of my other ones, but getting all of these levels took me far too long.

It's a stupid reason to keep the account up, but I'm not very bright, as you might have figured out now by now.

But with all that being said, I guess that's it.

Peace out, suckers; it's been real.

Godspeed.

-June Santos, June S. Sai, RootPain, Neo-RootPain, Big Whiskey

(God damn, I have a fuck ton of names, don't I?)